Cancer sucks

Okay so since we found out mama had breast cancer I have had every emotion possible. I had gotten to a place where I was okay. Don't get me wrong, I still had the occasional "fall apart" moments but I was okay. I was dealing with the fact that we were beginning a journey toward health and healing. But then Friday we got the results of the sentinel node biopsy surgery that the doctor did on Wednesday. One of the three lymph nodes he took tested positive for cancer, which means that the cancer has started to spread. I feel like this news has put me back to square one emotionally. I was in a "sad" state on Friday and Saturday, and today, I must admit I'm just pissed. I'm pissed that I had faith that the lymph nodes would be negative. I'm pissed that this has happened to one of the best women on the planet. I'm pissed that there's no cure. You name it, I'm pissed about it. Bad attitude? Hell yes, pardon my french! Is God happy with my attitude? Probably not, but I know that God loves me through all my stages of dealing with this and for that I'm grateful. So I guess this a "vent" of sorts but I had to put it out there. We head to the oncologist again tomorrow to discuss what this means for the treatment plan. I do want to take this opportunity though to say a huge THANK YOU  to all of my family and friends for all of your support and encouragement as we go through this, even when I'm in a pissy mood. : )

Peace, be still

So these last couple of weeks have been pretty tough. My mom was diagnosed with breast cancer last week and this week means doctors appointments to find out the treatment plan. In my mind, I know that God is in control of this whole situation and that this was in HIS plan all along. However, I am not too proud to admit that I am having a hard time accepting that in my heart. As I first started dealing with this, I felt like I was having the same conversation with God that happened in the bible in Mark 9. The father of a demon possessed child comes to Jesus to ask for his son's deliverance. Jesus says to him, "all things are possible to him who believes" to which the father immediately responds with "Lord, I believe; help my unbelief". Last week was a dark place for me spiritually. I couldn't feel the presence of the Lord, I felt alone, and went from being really pissed off to being extremely sad. And then Sunday came. I have to admit that I didn't even want to go to church as I was having one of my "I'm pissed off and I can't do this today" kind of moments. But when I forced myself to go, I knew that the "pissed off" feeling was from Satan. Two of the three songs that were planned for Sunday were the two songs that I had sung over and over all week to help me deal. You can listen to those songs here.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IoezWBPGRAc

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KNLfu7fainA


Then we had a guest speaker give the sermon. His sermon was simply titled, "Peace, be still". By this time, I'm crying. Okay Lord I get it, or at least I'm trying to. He said two things during the sermon that have really stuck with me this week and I am clinging to them.


First, he said this. "Peace is not the absence of the storm. It is the presence of the security of God during the storm". I am seeking and searching for that kind of Peace.


Secondly, he said this....
"We have to get from here to there and go through the challenge without the challenge going through us" He said this in reference to the passage in Mark where the storm was raging and Jesus commanded the storm "Peace, be still". Before the storm, Jesus said this to the disciples....

"Let us go over to the other side"

And He didn't say "let me go to the other side" he said "let US go over to the other side" which means He intended (from the beginning) for the disciples to go WITH Him through the storm to get to the other side.

Lord, I don't really know how we're going to get to the other side, but I do know that You are the captain of the ship right now. And God, thank you for giving me the kind of mama who is already saying "I'm gonna be fine". I pray that I can become the "fighter" of a woman that she is. I love you mama!

This weight is too heavy

So I've always been a "fat girl". I know, I know. Alot of you give me that "oh, Sandy you're being ridiculous" sigh at that comment but it's true. I think I reached the coveted size of 7 in clothes when I was in 6th or 7th grade. Even in high school when I was running daily for softball, I was a size 14. So I've tried every "fad" diet out there from Atkins to South Beach to the horrible cabbage diet. I have tried weight watchers at least 3 times as well as taking diet pills prescribed by my doctor. Have I lost weight with those? YES! But then it comes back plus more. All these things have brought me to a life changing decision.

I have come to a place where I can't carry this "weight" any longer, both physically and emotionally. The weight is more than it's ever been and the bottom line is I'm not healthy. I don't have any diagnosed health problems (blood pressure, diabetes, etc) but I know that when I can't walk up a hill or a flight of stairs without feeling winded means that I'm not healthy. And even though I love myself (I really do) the emotional side of the "weight" is sometimes hard to bear. It's embarrasing to get stared at because of your size, to only be able to shop in the plus size section, and to be anxious about sitting in certain seats because of the fear that your butt won't fit. LOL! I also know that I can't be the kind of mommy to my baby girl that I want to be right now. She LOVES riding her bike and I can't even walk up the hill to the top of the driveway without sounding like I need an oxygen tank. When my own mother who is in her mid-50's can keep up with my 6 year old better than I can, there is a problem. I want to be able to run and play with her without my weight keeping me from doing so.

So I said all this to say that I am pursuing weight loss surgery. My hematologist tried to talk me into this after my blood clot issues back in 2007 and my other doctors have also been pushing me to do this. They have advised me to pursue it sooner than later while my insurance will help pay for it. So I have begun the six months of hoop jumping in order for insurance to pay for everything. I am looking at surgery in February 2011. I am excited already and SUPER anxious but I know that it's all in God's time. I have to do this because......this weight is too heavy. I can't do it anymore!

God's Chisel

WOW.....this spoke right to where I am right now. So I wanted to share it in case someone else is there with me. It is about 9 minutes long but DEFINITELY worth the time. I don't know how many times I have said "God, I have let you down so many times" and I never realized that his response to me is "You were never holding me up". Thank you Lord for your right now word. Check it out!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AhfUzodLRvk

Just be still......

Psalm 46:10
"Be still and know that I am God"

So I have done alot of introspective reflection this summer and man, did I have some stuff out of whack. I was raised in church and know God has me right in the palm of His hand. That he created me for a purpose. But somehow, I have walked away from my relationship with Him. Blame it on a new job, school, being a wife of a grad student, a mother, or just life in general. But those are all just excuses. Lately, I have felt really convicted of not keeping my priorities in order. So, back to square one I go. I have spent alot of time these past few days before the Lord asking and being grateful that his mercies are new every day, even when I've walked away. And what I have felt God's voice saying as I have sought after Him is just "BE STILL". Do you know how hard that is for me? I am the queen of multi-tasking, just like any other mother I'm sure. My mind is constantly going until I lay my head on the pillow and crash. But He just needs me to stop. STOP and REST in His presence. As I was adding some songs to my ipod tonight I stumbled across a song by Kari Jobe that has to be God's direct voice to me in song. I am including a link to the youtube of the song just in case maybe you need to "BE STILL"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ndaAjkJU2DY

Lord,

I don't know how or why I walked away from You. I do not deserve Your open arms of mercy and grace but I am so grateful for them. Time and again, You yearn for us. You call us to You for you desire a relationship with us. I don't know that we can ever fathom that kind of love. God I pray that your voice to me will resonate in my life so that I may in turn help others "BE STILL" and know that You are God and that You are here.

~Amen~

This is crazy.....I'm not in middle school anymore!

Just a few pics of things I miss from last summer..............Okay so I'm at a "strange" place right now. Last summer, we (Destiny and I) spent ALOT of time (about 3-4 days a week) doing things with my friends while Jason was taking three summer classes at Piedmont. At the end of the summer, I realized that the amount of time I spent with my friends FAR outweighed the time I spent with Jason. So this summer, with Jason only taking two classes, we vowed to spend more time together. Thus the problem begins.

I am a firm believer that every husband needs their "guy time" and that every wife needs their "girl time" but that those "independent" times needed to be balanced with family life. Last year the "independent" time won out (even though I had Destiny) and this year, I'm afraid I've gone too far in the other direction this summer. I have done things with my friends four times this summer. And it's already half way over. I've dedicated so much time to my family that I've neglected my friendships. I laid in bed last night and cried because I felt like I was neglecting my friendships and was afraid that I was losing some of those friendships because of it. Silly I know. But I guess what I realized, through the voice of reason from my dear husband, is that I have to find that balance.

While I was being the "emotional basketcase" that I was being, I said "I can't believe I'm crying over friendships, I'm not in middle school anymore". But I realized that I still need my friendships. I still need that sense of belonging to a group of people that I can be silly with. And I guess because I've gone so far from that, I have felt kind of lonely in that aspect of my life.

Gosh, I'm rambling. SORRY! If anyone has any advice on how to find and keep the balance between family and friendships, I welcome it!

Is your faith big enough?

So last night, I received one of the most unexpected biggest blessings ever. This week our church has been holding a kids crusade titled "Taking Shape" and they have focused on "taking shape" into the people God has called them to be. My mom has been taking Destiny every night because Jason and I have both been covered up in grad school work. After they got home last night, Destiny told us that she had (in her words) "asked God in her heart and asked Him to forgive her of anything she had ever done wrong". Needless to say, tears were flowing by this point. We stopped what we were doing, turned off the TV, and prayed together as a family.

After Jason went to take Destiny to bed, I sat here and just cried. Do I have faith big enough to lead the life that I need to so that I can be the role model I need to be for her? Do I give the way I should give? Do I trust God with EVERYTHING that I have and everything that is to come? I don't know the answer to that and I'm afraid the answer is no. I have to admit that lately my priorities have not been in order.

This past Sunday, Scott Smith shared one of the best sermons I've heard in awhile called "Practical Atheist". You can check it out via podcast here. http://www.thetorch.net/ Was I convicted by it? YES! Have I been saying I believe in God and not walking in it? YES! Then he shared a video about Zac Smith, a 32 year old husband and father of 3 that was facing stage VI cancer and was not given a very good outlook. You can watch the video he shared of Zac's video here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b4Qb1qdXn4o

This video and sermon along with Destiny accepting Christ as her Savior last night made me do ALOT of self reflection. What would happen if I was diagnosed with cancer at 32, only a year and a half from now? What if that happened to my husband? I would want my response to be the same as Zac's. "Cancer is the best thing that has ever happened to me". Would I be able to have enough faith to say that no matter what comes my way that all gifts that God gives are "good"?

My prayer is this: "Lord, I praise you for blessing me with a beautiful daughter who has the sweetest spirit. Somehow, please keep me in check and help me to put my priorities in order. I need Your help and Your guidance. I want to be worthy of being a strong spiritual mother for a beautiful child You have blessed me with. I give You all the praise and glory. Amen"

When Jason and I had her, we chose her name, Destiny Lia, for it's spiritual meaning. Destiny of course means "Fate" while Lia means "God's Messenger" so her name means "Fate to be God's Messenger". I just want to give her the foundation she will need to fulfill that purpose.

Sorry if it seems like I'm rambling but I needed to get this out there so I can have some accountability from my peeps out there. Thanks for prayers and in the mean time, ask yourself, is your faith big enough to fulfill your purpose?