Sunday, October 17, 2010

Cancer sucks

Okay so since we found out mama had breast cancer I have had every emotion possible. I had gotten to a place where I was okay. Don't get me wrong, I still had the occasional "fall apart" moments but I was okay. I was dealing with the fact that we were beginning a journey toward health and healing. But then Friday we got the results of the sentinel node biopsy surgery that the doctor did on Wednesday. One of the three lymph nodes he took tested positive for cancer, which means that the cancer has started to spread. I feel like this news has put me back to square one emotionally. I was in a "sad" state on Friday and Saturday, and today, I must admit I'm just pissed. I'm pissed that I had faith that the lymph nodes would be negative. I'm pissed that this has happened to one of the best women on the planet. I'm pissed that there's no cure. You name it, I'm pissed about it. Bad attitude? Hell yes, pardon my french! Is God happy with my attitude? Probably not, but I know that God loves me through all my stages of dealing with this and for that I'm grateful. So I guess this a "vent" of sorts but I had to put it out there. We head to the oncologist again tomorrow to discuss what this means for the treatment plan. I do want to take this opportunity though to say a huge THANK YOU  to all of my family and friends for all of your support and encouragement as we go through this, even when I'm in a pissy mood. : )

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Peace, be still

So these last couple of weeks have been pretty tough. My mom was diagnosed with breast cancer last week and this week means doctors appointments to find out the treatment plan. In my mind, I know that God is in control of this whole situation and that this was in HIS plan all along. However, I am not too proud to admit that I am having a hard time accepting that in my heart. As I first started dealing with this, I felt like I was having the same conversation with God that happened in the bible in Mark 9. The father of a demon possessed child comes to Jesus to ask for his son's deliverance. Jesus says to him, "all things are possible to him who believes" to which the father immediately responds with "Lord, I believe; help my unbelief". Last week was a dark place for me spiritually. I couldn't feel the presence of the Lord, I felt alone, and went from being really pissed off to being extremely sad. And then Sunday came. I have to admit that I didn't even want to go to church as I was having one of my "I'm pissed off and I can't do this today" kind of moments. But when I forced myself to go, I knew that the "pissed off" feeling was from Satan. Two of the three songs that were planned for Sunday were the two songs that I had sung over and over all week to help me deal. You can listen to those songs here.

Then we had a guest speaker give the sermon. His sermon was simply titled, "Peace, be still". By this time, I'm crying. Okay Lord I get it, or at least I'm trying to. He said two things during the sermon that have really stuck with me this week and I am clinging to them.

First, he said this. "Peace is not the absence of the storm. It is the presence of the security of God during the storm". I am seeking and searching for that kind of Peace.

Secondly, he said this....
"We have to get from here to there and go through the challenge without the challenge going through us" He said this in reference to the passage in Mark where the storm was raging and Jesus commanded the storm "Peace, be still". Before the storm, Jesus said this to the disciples....

"Let us go over to the other side"

And He didn't say "let me go to the other side" he said "let US go over to the other side" which means He intended (from the beginning) for the disciples to go WITH Him through the storm to get to the other side.

Lord, I don't really know how we're going to get to the other side, but I do know that You are the captain of the ship right now. And God, thank you for giving me the kind of mama who is already saying "I'm gonna be fine". I pray that I can become the "fighter" of a woman that she is. I love you mama!