The forecast for the next 3 1/2 months is........

Cloudy with the sun breaking through! Where to begin? These next three and half months are going to be scary, exhausting, stressful, hopeful, exciting, painful, happy and pretty much any other adjective you can use to describe life. The promising thing is that it starts kind of cloudy, but then slowly but surely the sun begins to break through.

Mama's double mastectomy surgery will be next Wednesday, February 16th. Though I know how hard this surgery/recovery will be, I know that this means we will be even closer to hearing the doctor say

"you are cancer free"

Then on April 5th, I will be having weight loss surgery. This will be an anxious and exciting time for me. These last 6 months of hoop-jumping for insurance approval has been a huge pain in my...... extremely helpful. I was quite frustrated when I found out what all had to be done just to get the approval from the insurance company. That 6 month journey has included:

• 6 months of support group meetings listening to people share their own storeis about their weight loss journeys. I lovingly have called these my AA for Fat people meetings. LOL!
• 6 months of supervised medical weight loss, which I was successful with. I have lost 13 pounds since September. And that was even through the Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays!
• a psych evaluation that ruled that I am (in the words of the psychologist) "disgustingly healthy psychologically" but that I have ADHD! Thank you Dr. Walfish. I do not have ANY idea how I have lived 31 years through three college degrees without Adderall.
• Sleep study at home with a nasal cannula and several other things

Needless to say, it's been a long journey. Now that it's all finished though, I have ALOT more perspective about what it's going to take to be successful post-surgery than I would have been before. I have learned more about myself and how as much as I don't want to admit it  I am TOTALLY and at times uncontrollably addicted to food. It controls me and I now believe that I have the will power I need to eat to live, not to live to eat.

May 6th will bring our 11th wedding anniversary. It has been a CRAZY ride but has been amazing all the same. I wouldn't trade anything for the trials or for the good times. Jason is the biggest blessing in my life. He is my very best friend and is truly my soul mate.

May 7th will bring Jason's graduation from Piedmont College with his Master's degree in Special Education. Words will never be able to express how proud of him I am. He has been hard at this for 2 1/2 years and deserves every accolade people give. He is making such a difference in the lives of the students at Cornelia Elementary and I am believing God to provide a teaching job for him next year.

On another note, May 21st will bring the wedding of my baby sister, Brooke Nicole Melton. It really doesn't even seem real. Brooke was 5 years old when Jason and I started dating. Brooke has grown into a beautiful young woman and I couldn't be happier to be welcoming Levi Westbrook into our family.

Though these next couple of months will bring anxiety and stressful situations, they will all be followed by some pretty exciting and happy occasions for my whole family. No matter what happens, through it all, I know that THE SON will break through the clouds, no matter how dark they may get. I will be very cautious to give YOU Lord all the praise!

Guest Blogger and a touch of melancholy

So Sandy has been trying to get me to poste a blog and even though I've said several times that I would, I just seem to have always found some excuse or another to put off doing it.  So today, I decided to change that.

This Christmas has been a season of reflection.  Like so many others there have been thoughts of presents and get togethers plus curbing my road rage as I seem to get ticked while dealing with the poor driving habits of others.  Truth be told I seem to struggle shortly before and after Christmas.  A lot of that has to do with the fact that I've lost a few very close family members around and shortly after the holidays.  In January it will be five years since my stepfather Junior passed away.  In January of 1987 I lost my grandmother (my mom's mother).  It's hard to think about the holidays without them, particularly Junior.  I feel like there is so much that was left unsaid and undone and celebrating Christmas with him was always special and something I looked forward to. And at Christmas time, being as I am a parapro, I end up with two weeks to dwell on these types of things.  Not the most healthy thing to do but it seems like I do it anyway.  So while there is much joy at Christmas there is always that undertone of melancholy that seems to creep in and take away a little bit of the happiness.

 But somethng interesting happened this year.  It was like all the commercial things of Christmas just slipped away, lost not in memories of what I don't have, but in creating new ones with the family and friends I do have.  It was simple things like eating tacos with Paul, Steven, and Lydia Roach. Seeing the joy on my daughter's face and watching her fascination with the Christmas festivities. Being snowed in on Christmas and loving it.  Waking up to breakfast with my inlaws and thinking how cool it was to be there in those moments and sharing laughs over games of Catch Phrase.

I imagine that there will still be moments that make me pause and remember less pleasant times.  That's just the realities of life.  But that doesn't mean I have to be stuck in those unpleasant times/memories, hung up in an endless loop of sorrow. There is so much more out there.  So many blessings I have.  Family ties that are stronger than any unpleasantness that comes my way.  Few, but great friends. And a wife that loves me not based on what I get right or how much money I make (or don't. I did mention I'm a parapro, right?) or any other superficial characteristic that defines so many people or relationships.  She loves me for me, the real me that probably only a handful of people know or ever will know. 

And for all of those things I am grateful and am excited about the prospects of the coming year.

Christmas 2010

So I have to start by praising God for one of the best Christmases EVER!!! Christmas 2010 started with a week full of spending time with old friends. Of which I was reminded that old friends are some of the best friends. We then kicked off family Christmas festivities by going to my dad's house for Christmas Eve day. I cherish my time with my dad. We don't see each other much but when we're together, it's special.....really special. He blessed us (my sister, stepbrother, and I) with a solid silver coin made in 1928 that had been passed down to him from his great grandfather. The simplest gift ever but the sentimental value in it was beyond explanation.

My sister Patrice, my dad and I

Us with my grandmother. Doesn't she look great to be 77?

Christmas festivity #2 was at our house with Jason's dad's side of the family. Always lots of laughs with them. They are hilarious and I enjoy spending time with them. Destiny was wired (as you can see in the pics) about Christmas and Santa coming all together.



After we went to bed on Christmas Eve, Santa made a visit to our house with lots of gifts for a pretty cool little girl. Destiny left him a cookies, milk, and a pretty cool letter with inventive spelling. I LOVE this stage in her life. She has quite the personality and we are so blessed to have her.



Christmas morning brought a very excited little girl around 7:30 AM, which is way too early for me but seeing the excitement in Destiny's eyes made it all worth it. Our Christmas tradition is to call my mom and dad when Des wakes up and we wait for them to get here to see what Santa brought. Destiny was very excited. We all got great gifts, some of my favorites were the snowman dish towels and tall coffee mug (yes, I know....I'm getting old) from Jason and Des and of course my new Glee volume 4 CD....AMAZING music!!!

After opening gifts at home, we loaded up and went to my mom's house to celebrate Christmas with my two sisters, BIL, and future BIL, niece, nephew, mom and dad. We all opened gifts together and then enjoyed a wonderful lunch. After all the struggles this year, Christmas seemed to be a little more special this year. We all knew and recognized how blessed we were to have mama with us even in the middle of the fight against that nasty thing called cancer. And I think God blessed us a little extra with the first white Christmas in a REALLY long time. That snow caused us to have to postpone our tradition of Christmas night with Jason's mom because she wasn't able to get here from Blairsville because of the snow. But it also brought something really cool.... a whole family sleepover (minus Brooke and Levi). We all stayed up late laughing and talking and just enjoying each other's company. I woke up on Sunday morning to the smell of my mama's homemade biscuits. I don't think there is any better smell than that.  : )     We then spent the rest of the day lounging and laughing and then we played in the snow and finished the afternoon off with a couple rounds of "catch phrase" which is ALWAYS dangerous with my family. We came home around 5 or so and unpacked and put away all the gifts. I finished the day with a huge smile on my face and in my heart. Thank you Lord for your many blessings, especially for a sweet mama like mine.

As I look back over our Christmas festivities, I can only think of one word to describe it.......BLESSED. I am SOOOOOO grateful for God's blessings over my life and for my family. The coolest thing is that we still have one more Christmas get together with Jason's mom's family. So we get to extend this Christmas holiday. I have alot of thoughts brewing in my head about 2010 so watch for another blog coming later. But for now, Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!

Deciding on Christmas Cards

What is better than Christmas trees, lights, and the mantle all decorated with stockings? For me, it's the collections of Christmas cards that we get from friends and family every year. It is so cool to see how friends from the past (who I don't get to see very often) have changed and watch their precious children grow through pictures.

So we too always get our family pictures made around Christmas so that we can send the infamous Picture Christmas Cards too. I am SOOOO excited about this years pictures because my friend Grace did an EXCELLENT job with our pictures. And I have to brag and say that I think my daughter is one of the most adorable little things on the planet. And no, I'm not biased. LOL!  And then today, my friend Jill shared on her blog about the really cool Christmas cards offered from Shutterfly. I am going to have a REALLY hard time making a decision this year though. These are all excellent, but here are a few of my favorites.





And the coolest part? Shutterfly is offering up to 50 free Christmas cards for anyone that posts this info on their blog. SOOOO cool. They also have several other items available. Some of which may end up being Christmas gifts like Christmas cards; photo mugs (great for grandparents), and possibly my favorite the photo calendars. I may have to buy one of those for myself.  ; )  Can't wait to share our updated family pics, including the puppy, with our friends and family!!

Cancer sucks

Okay so since we found out mama had breast cancer I have had every emotion possible. I had gotten to a place where I was okay. Don't get me wrong, I still had the occasional "fall apart" moments but I was okay. I was dealing with the fact that we were beginning a journey toward health and healing. But then Friday we got the results of the sentinel node biopsy surgery that the doctor did on Wednesday. One of the three lymph nodes he took tested positive for cancer, which means that the cancer has started to spread. I feel like this news has put me back to square one emotionally. I was in a "sad" state on Friday and Saturday, and today, I must admit I'm just pissed. I'm pissed that I had faith that the lymph nodes would be negative. I'm pissed that this has happened to one of the best women on the planet. I'm pissed that there's no cure. You name it, I'm pissed about it. Bad attitude? Hell yes, pardon my french! Is God happy with my attitude? Probably not, but I know that God loves me through all my stages of dealing with this and for that I'm grateful. So I guess this a "vent" of sorts but I had to put it out there. We head to the oncologist again tomorrow to discuss what this means for the treatment plan. I do want to take this opportunity though to say a huge THANK YOU  to all of my family and friends for all of your support and encouragement as we go through this, even when I'm in a pissy mood. : )

Peace, be still

So these last couple of weeks have been pretty tough. My mom was diagnosed with breast cancer last week and this week means doctors appointments to find out the treatment plan. In my mind, I know that God is in control of this whole situation and that this was in HIS plan all along. However, I am not too proud to admit that I am having a hard time accepting that in my heart. As I first started dealing with this, I felt like I was having the same conversation with God that happened in the bible in Mark 9. The father of a demon possessed child comes to Jesus to ask for his son's deliverance. Jesus says to him, "all things are possible to him who believes" to which the father immediately responds with "Lord, I believe; help my unbelief". Last week was a dark place for me spiritually. I couldn't feel the presence of the Lord, I felt alone, and went from being really pissed off to being extremely sad. And then Sunday came. I have to admit that I didn't even want to go to church as I was having one of my "I'm pissed off and I can't do this today" kind of moments. But when I forced myself to go, I knew that the "pissed off" feeling was from Satan. Two of the three songs that were planned for Sunday were the two songs that I had sung over and over all week to help me deal. You can listen to those songs here.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IoezWBPGRAc

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KNLfu7fainA


Then we had a guest speaker give the sermon. His sermon was simply titled, "Peace, be still". By this time, I'm crying. Okay Lord I get it, or at least I'm trying to. He said two things during the sermon that have really stuck with me this week and I am clinging to them.


First, he said this. "Peace is not the absence of the storm. It is the presence of the security of God during the storm". I am seeking and searching for that kind of Peace.


Secondly, he said this....
"We have to get from here to there and go through the challenge without the challenge going through us" He said this in reference to the passage in Mark where the storm was raging and Jesus commanded the storm "Peace, be still". Before the storm, Jesus said this to the disciples....

"Let us go over to the other side"

And He didn't say "let me go to the other side" he said "let US go over to the other side" which means He intended (from the beginning) for the disciples to go WITH Him through the storm to get to the other side.

Lord, I don't really know how we're going to get to the other side, but I do know that You are the captain of the ship right now. And God, thank you for giving me the kind of mama who is already saying "I'm gonna be fine". I pray that I can become the "fighter" of a woman that she is. I love you mama!

This weight is too heavy

So I've always been a "fat girl". I know, I know. Alot of you give me that "oh, Sandy you're being ridiculous" sigh at that comment but it's true. I think I reached the coveted size of 7 in clothes when I was in 6th or 7th grade. Even in high school when I was running daily for softball, I was a size 14. So I've tried every "fad" diet out there from Atkins to South Beach to the horrible cabbage diet. I have tried weight watchers at least 3 times as well as taking diet pills prescribed by my doctor. Have I lost weight with those? YES! But then it comes back plus more. All these things have brought me to a life changing decision.

I have come to a place where I can't carry this "weight" any longer, both physically and emotionally. The weight is more than it's ever been and the bottom line is I'm not healthy. I don't have any diagnosed health problems (blood pressure, diabetes, etc) but I know that when I can't walk up a hill or a flight of stairs without feeling winded means that I'm not healthy. And even though I love myself (I really do) the emotional side of the "weight" is sometimes hard to bear. It's embarrasing to get stared at because of your size, to only be able to shop in the plus size section, and to be anxious about sitting in certain seats because of the fear that your butt won't fit. LOL! I also know that I can't be the kind of mommy to my baby girl that I want to be right now. She LOVES riding her bike and I can't even walk up the hill to the top of the driveway without sounding like I need an oxygen tank. When my own mother who is in her mid-50's can keep up with my 6 year old better than I can, there is a problem. I want to be able to run and play with her without my weight keeping me from doing so.

So I said all this to say that I am pursuing weight loss surgery. My hematologist tried to talk me into this after my blood clot issues back in 2007 and my other doctors have also been pushing me to do this. They have advised me to pursue it sooner than later while my insurance will help pay for it. So I have begun the six months of hoop jumping in order for insurance to pay for everything. I am looking at surgery in February 2011. I am excited already and SUPER anxious but I know that it's all in God's time. I have to do this because......this weight is too heavy. I can't do it anymore!